The Merlin Awards
by Phoenix4life
Summary: The Wizarding World's version of the Darwin Awards. Will feature both Canon & AU events. Beta'd by barmy-ol-badger. Rating T . May be subject to change.
1. Chapter 1

The Merlin Awards

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I a candidate for the Darwin Awards. If I don't own that what on earth makes anyone think I own Harry Potter.

**Authors Note:** The Darwin Award rewards those human beings who successfully remove themselves from the gene pool in a spectaculary stupid manner. The incidents in these stories will either be base on canon events or totally AU.

This first chapter is dedicated to my excellent beta reader barmy-ol-badger.

**The Merlin Awards**

Three Categories

**The Assisted Merlin:**_ Where the wizard/witch is killed by someone else as a result of their own stupidity._

**The Honourable Merlin:**_ for doing something so monumentally stupid that the wizard/witch should have died but by some quirk of fate managed to survive._

**The Merlin: **_for the wizard or witch who manages to remove themselves permanently from the magical gene pool, in a spectacularly idiotic fashion. No horcruxes people. _

**The Seamus Finnegan Incident**

_(The Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)_

On St. Patrick's Day of Seamus Finnegan's seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry he was finally successful in his attempt to make water into rum.

6 hours later, after the majority of Gryffindor had drunk large quantities of rum to celebrate his success. Seamus convinced himself that he was a leprechaun and thus could be expected to fly with out the aid of a broomstick.

After various Gryffindor's telling him that he couldn't fly and that he wasn't a leprechaun He declared that he was telling the truth and could prove it. After leading several classmates to the top of the tallest tower in the castle he jumped. Needless to say Seamus wasn't a leprechaun and didn't survive the fall in spite of Madam Pomfrey's best effort.

_Thus any Hogwarts student who attempts to turn water into rum will be referred to as 'Pulling a Seamus'._

**Norbert the Second**

_(The Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)_

20 years after Hagrid was convinced to let Norbert go with Ron's brother Charlie to the dragon reserve in Romania, Hagrid managed to get his hands on another dragon's egg.

At this point he was still living in his hut with Fang on the Hogwart's grounds, though this time nobody knew what Hagrid was doing. Precisely four months after the egg hatched the baby Hungarian Horntail developed its fire and in the middle of the night set Hagrid's hut ablaze.

The only creature within a 50 metre radius that survived was the giant squid and that was only because the merpeople helped it swim rapidly down to the bottom of the black lake.

**The Harry Potter File**

_(The Honourable Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)_

For all intents and purposes the judging panel of the Merlin awards are astounded that Harry Potter is still amongst the living. Over the past seven years this committee has received no less than 10 nominations for this award.

Fighting a possessed Quirrell for the Philosopher's Stone

Thinking that flying a car to Hogwart's and crash landing into the Whomping Willow is a good idea.

Fighting a thousand year old basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, with the aid of a phoenix and an old hat which dropped a sword on his head.

Facing off with 100 dementors before he knew if he could cast a Patronus Charm and almost getting kissed by a dementor before finally getting the spell right.

For not running the instant that the portkey had dumped them in the middle of Little Hangleton's graveyard.

For forgetting to open the present given to him by Sirius Black and going to the Ministry and almost getting himself killed by 7 death eaters. (Including Bellatrix Lestrange & Lucius Malfoy)

Immediately following this Harry Potter once again meets Voldemort and almost dies before Albus Dumbledore arrives at the Ministry and saves him.

For being present that night on the tower when Albus Dumbledore was killed by Severus Snape. Harry ran after Professor Snape and was soundly trounced in the fight due to his inability to shield his mind & cast spells silently.

Mentioning the Dark Lord's name which almost got him killed by the Dark Lord's Death Eaters.

Dying but coming back to life during his final fight with Voldemort.

Quite frankly this committee can't believe that Harry Potter managed to survive his last fight with Voldemort and wishes that he'd died simply so that we could give him The Merlin and be done with it. However we do look forward to his next attempt.


	2. The Merlin Awards Part 2

**Disclaimer:** No I don't own it. I'm a poor university student who doesn't even own the car I drive.

**Author's Note:** Thanks barmy for reviewing and the rest of you. If you read it please let me know what you think otherwise... (I'll let you fill in the blank).

**Why you should never go into the Forbidden Forest**

_(The Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)_

Everybody in the Wizarding world knows that Spiders and Ron Weasley should never belong in the same sentence. However Mrs. Hermione Weasley nee Granger was determined that her husband could defeat this fear with the aid of a qualified therapist.

After 2 years of intensive therapy and with the aid of his loving wife, Ron conquered his fear of spiders. Promptly he decided that the final step to his recovery would be to return and visit Aragog and his family in the Forbidden Forest.

On the 24th of March 2012, Ron and Hermione Weasley entered the forest and neither of them was seen for the next three weeks. On Mrs Weasley's successful re-emergence from the forest, it was discovered that Aragog had passed away and his children were determined to finally eat the meal that they'd been denied almost 20 years earlier. Mrs Weasley regained her wits and ran until she escaped the forest to report her husband's demise.

_For this incident Mrs. Hermione Weasley also gets an Honorary Merlin. The moral of this story is to stay far away from any creature that is big enough to eat you and has the desire to do so._

**Why taunting your enemies is a really, really bad idea**

_The Assisted Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin_

On the 24th of June, 1996, escaped (_innocent_) convict Sirius Black entered the Ministry of Magic in an attempt to aid his godson and his friends. Black's godson, Harry Potter had been lured there by Voldemort to gain access to a prophecy pertaining to the pair.

Sirius Black in all his wisdom decided to go after his godson even though his innocence was yet to be proved. During this rescue mission in a room deep within the heart of the department of mysteries, he came face to face with his cousin Bellatrix Lestrange.

In a perfect example of poor timing while fighting next to an unknown veil, Sirius Black stopped to taunt his cousin at which point she successfully hit him with a spell causing him to fall into the veil, never to be seen again.

_This committee would also like to mention that this is one of the major reasons why Harry Potter has not yet earned a Merlin. Every time Voldemort had Harry Potter at his wand tip he would stop and brag about how he was going to kill Harry, thus giving Mr. Potter the time he needed to form an escape plan._

**Devil's Snare Mk II**

_The Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin_

After leaving Hogwart's, Hermione Granger shocked everybody by going to work for the Unspeakable's before marrying Ron Weasley 5 years later. Once their children started Hogwart's she went back to work for the department part-time.

Her first solo mission upon returning to the department was to eradicate an overgrown and vicious Devil's Snare found within the walls of Malfoy manor. According to all reports Mrs Weasley was in the process of subduing the plant when she fell into it and suffocated.

The Unspeakable's claimed that Hermione Weasley was one of their best and brightest agents. Mr. Potter, a long time friend claims that she likely forgot she was a Witch and could cast a spell to save herself. He referenced their first encounter with Devil's Snare in their first year at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.


End file.
